Family-style meals can imply a range of situations
from a casual weeknight dinner with our actual family to a multi-course banquet with strangers.
At our restaurant, where we host wedding parties nearly every other weekend during the summer months, we serve exclusively family-style meals. Big platters of beautiful and colorful food are doled out onto long wooden tables, without too much fuss or pomp. It’s my favorite type of dining, and that’s speaking both as a guest and as a host.
The reasons for family-style preference as a host (and in my particular case, a business owner) naturally have a tendency towards the practical: not having to plate 100 individual meals but around 30 platters means fewer people are needed in the kitchen and in service, therefore lower costs. More importantly, it means less waste. With individually-plated meals, chances are Grandma won’t finish her entire portion of entrecote. Sister will inevitably be on a post-baby diet and will forgo her pile of mashed potatoes. The yogi dude in the corner -- who no one seems to know -- will be no doubt on a strict raw vegan diet after returning from his silent retreat in Bali. When guests are allowed to serve themselves this problem magically dissipates. After observing over time how some tables would inhale a leg of lamb in minutes while others barely touch it, we started a simple strategy. After everyone has settled in and feasted for a spell, we ask the restrained guests at Table X politely if they wouldn’t mind if we serve some of their untouched oyster platter to the neighboring Table Z. They always heartily agree. Typically, there is just enough food (which necessarily includes leftovers, and brings us to the Family Meal, a separate but not unrelated topic.)
Aside from the purely pragmatic, family-style implies an atmospheric shift (away from a staid and service-heavy traditional banquet) to a more free-wheeling, even bacchanal celebration. Better than alcohol, the action involved in passing and negotiating platters functions as a social lubricant, moving the meal from the arena of just eating to that of dining and, ultimately – hopefully – enjoyment of the company of others. For along with the passing and the serving comes the discussing. When we share food from a single platter, we also share conversation about what it is, how it’s cooked or what herbs might be in the sauce. We immediately have a topic to unite us, no matter if there is little else we have in common outside of this table. We will inevitably be forced to verbalize our likes and dislikes: why we can’t stomach oysters or why we love coriander. With a desire for a second helping of a certain side dish, intimacy is shared and a little bit of ourselves is explained. A façade breaks down.
And so, with this newly broken facade, allow me to suggest a few simple Dos and Don'ts to help you navigate your way through your next Family Style meal.
1. DO unto others as you would have them do unto you.
That is, quietly assess how many persons around you the platter should serve and then portion yourself accordingly. Trust that your dining companions will do the same.
Should that trust be taken advantage of at any point during the course of the meal…
2. DO take the opportunity to call the perpetrator an asshole, and do it in front of everyone.
3. DO feel free to lick your own plate.
4. DON’T take the same liberty to lick the serving platter. That’s gross.
5. DON’T mention to the mother-of-the-bride the morning after the wedding that, why no, you hadn’t had the chance to try the maple-glazed roasted carrots, for there weren’t enough for everyone’s hearty appetites at the table and perhaps she and the father-of-the-bride might have been better off going for the venue’s premium meal package.
6. DON’T, above all, choose to be vegetarian only after deciding that the platter of white truffle pasta looks waaaaay better than the baked chicken you’re supposed to be eating. Basically everyone who has organized this meal will hate you.
Should this particular family-style meal be with your actual FAMILY…
7. DO feel free to pass gas, surreptitiously or otherwise.
(This will largely depend on just what kind of family you have, but as a rule of thumb, go for it. What’s family for?)
8. DO NOT order Earl Grey with milk and honey (tea bag on the side) during the main course. If you don’t drink alcohol, fine, but that’s the kind of thing that will put you on any service staff’s hit list for the night.
9. DO ask those around you if you may take the last bite on the platter.
Better, offer it to someone you know won’t want it, so that you appear the chivalrous one when they demur and you can serve yourself, guilt-free.
10. DO, oh definitely do, sing along with the dinner music. Everyone loves live musical accompaniment.
Should you be fortunate enough to be seated at the bridal table, whether by fluke or not…
11. DON’T serve yourself before the bride, groom, mother of the bride, father of the bride, grandmother of the bride, great aunt of the groom, sister of the groom, sister of the groom’s unborn child… wait, what are you doing at this table again?
12. DO covertly unearth political views of the diners to your direct left and right before sitting down.
A presumed stance or off-the-cuff remark could lead to a very uncomfortable couple of hours trapped beside Bill O’Reilly’s spokesperson.
13. DON’T grab food from shared platters with your fingers.
Sure, it’s been groped, fluffed and felt up by half the kitchen staff. But let’s all be nice and pretend. Table manners!
Now, my benchmark of dining decorum will inevitably vary slightly from your's. Thus, here is where the pedagogy finally comes to an end and I bid you luck and diversion in drawing up your own personal code of conduct for all things Family Style.
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